urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave and it's ending 1 minute at a time screamingslave 2003-10-20T00:31:35Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:83825 2003-10-20T00:31:35Z 2003-10-20T00:31:35Z i just want an oppurtunity to feel the way that I know that I can feel with the right influences. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:83625 2003-10-15T01:03:52Z 2003-10-15T01:20:38Z <s>I am gay</s> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:83309 2003-10-14T14:04:55Z 2003-10-14T14:04:55Z the downward spiral in my head I was just dreaming that i was trapped in Los Angeles. How do I know it was Los Angeles since i've never been there.. i don't know but it was. But it was a rural, country, backwoods Los Angeles. I had a sister and she wasn't with us for some reason at first. Throughout this whole dream "the downward spiral" is just blasting in my head i mean loud. The music isn't loud but it's audible but the lyrics are turned up a 1000x and trent's voice is as sad/hurt/broken as ever. I was with my dad and we were out there looking for my sister because she was with a different family. I haven't a clue why but i know it had something to do with us being mean to her? i'm not even sure that was it ... Just something wasn't right about the reason that she wasn't with us anymore like something bad had happened. But we found her on this dead end road where she lived on some acreage in a single wide mobile home with her "family" but they really weren't her family because we were her family. She was on crutches. There were all this rabid animals around, dogs, cats, horses... all just rabid. We escaped to my car which had turned in to a huge van but it still was my car because the van was an automatic but when we got in it still was a stick. THe stick was really weird to drive and i kept asking my dad if I was doin it right. Suddenly we end up in LAX but now that i think about it i'm not sure it was we were looking for the ER and it was on the main floor but we couldn't find it. They kept sending us up and down but never towards the ER. There were all these flashing signs saying "this way to vegas" and over the airport style intercom .. kepts saying flight "666" leaving to vegas in 5 minutes. My dad was really mad they kept sending us all around and not to the ER. I was helping my sister get around at this point because her arms were tired from the using the crutches so i ended up carrying her. <br /><br /><small> i woke up in tears </small> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:83052 2003-10-13T06:29:27Z 2003-10-13T06:29:27Z David Bowie w/John Frusciante and Maynard James Keenan Since things are known now. It's really hard to post public entries where i share the way in which i'm either feeling or what i'm thinking when it has anything to do with things that are important to me. They are no longer shrouded in mystery or so vague. I'd hate to make things uncomfortable. But if updates are what you really want i will let ya read my private ones. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:82638 2003-10-10T08:22:13Z 2003-10-10T08:22:13Z i really think that if you are addicted to lj like i know you are.. that you'll read this before you leave for the day.. and i think that you should call me again :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:82263 2003-10-09T05:40:26Z 2003-10-09T05:40:26Z i think i'm a freak.<br />but if i didn't live at home i'd be out in the field nekkid laying down looking up into the sky praying for a bolt of lightning to jolt my body.<br /><br />I think i'm an asshole too.. it's just my nature i've come to the conclusion, i'm not sure whether i should try to remedy this or just let it be... <s> i thought i was better than this </s> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:82087 2003-10-09T02:29:14Z 2003-10-09T02:29:14Z do you ever wonder if things are done out of habit rather than necessity?<br />it's not a pleasant thought because you begin to wonder if you're wasting your time doin' all the things that you normally do. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:81868 2003-10-05T08:36:00Z 2003-10-05T08:36:00Z I spent tonight hanging out with Stephanie.. nick's gf... I had a really really good time. It's really nice being new to someone. We talked for like 5 hours, she is an interesting kid. I'm not sure but i was talking to mags the other day about a song about women pedophiles.. the band is pee shy and the song is little dudes and well i was goin' through her cd collection and there it was on the CMJ compilation and she knew what it was a liked it. I was absolutely amazed. It seems that we might have talked about things that will make it weird for the 3 of us to hang out though, maybe it's just me. It's just that if we do i don't think he'll realize we know eachother better than he thought... i dunno. I really wanted to go drinking again tonight but i couldn't find anyone to go with.. cause i have no friends. well i'm off to bed.. goodnight. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:81637 2003-10-04T11:03:59Z 2003-10-04T11:03:59Z okay.. yeah i just got home i'm kinda drunk<br />i remember dan and i going after these girls and well we were all hitting on them and stuff and the asked us to go back to their place but we said no.. heh, i realize that isn't what i want. oh well.. i am a loser.<br />goodnight. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:81265 2003-10-03T08:16:44Z 2003-10-03T08:16:44Z matthew good - near fantastica I am finding it quite hard to work with my new employees. I am used to people who "don't care" but a lot of these people really don't care at all. Nick and I are working on hiring a shitload of new people and hopefully they will be the type that care a little bit. Or at least take some fucking pride in your work and the place where you work. I don't fucking care where it is you work at least have enough self respect to do a good job for yourself. the pink pills are for my sanity. I just really hate riding people's asses and don't think i should have to. I am not a god damn babysitter, ya know? you are an important part of the computer. I just really need to get some good people. People that i enjoy being around. That way my 50 hours a week can at least be fun. I am so afraid that i'm going to fail and let myself down. we'll be needing you a lil while longer. i know i can't let myself down on this one since i already have on the other important parts of my life. after this mission we'll let you go and help you forget everything it is that you know. I have to work in approximately 7 hours. I might try to buy pearl jam tix tomorrow.. they are playing this tiny venue in seattle 2400 people.. we'll see, and i think that the red hot chili peppers might be their special guests... i hope i can go. my nipples are hard so it must be time to crawl into my bed and pass out for a few hours before i begin this vicious cycle all over again, but hey it's my life and i know it's ending one minute at a time. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:80954 2003-10-02T05:37:35Z 2003-10-02T05:37:35Z i think thta i may give up here soon.<br /><br />i think that it might be best if i do so.<br /><br />i think that i won't be happy either way.<br /><br />i think that i should figure out what it is i feel.<br /><br />i think that i make myself sick. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:80744 2003-10-01T21:47:56Z 2003-10-01T21:47:56Z just working on cleaning my room and such.. i'm in a pretty great mood today. After watching tv last night steve calls me and we went out and had a drink or 4 at the beaver. He and I have some great conversations. He is one jaded kid when it comes to love though. I thought that i was bad but it is nothing compared to him. I am afraid he's really depressed and am a little worried about him but i'm sure he'll pull out of it eventually. We made a pact to get some routine in our lives and we'll see if we follow through on it. I am certainly planning to but i've tried this many times before with no success. I think that we both struggle with a lot of the same things so we really actually do understand what eachother is going through. I think he might either quit or demand a transfer at work. my thoughts are so sporadic and unorganized it's horribe.<br /><br />oh well, onward with my room cleaning and my horrible singing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:80462 2003-09-30T06:59:33Z 2003-09-30T06:59:33Z people say talking about things helps. I'm not so sure about this.. it's possible it can make them worse ya know?<br />i'm not sure, i'm very happy with myself at the moment i just feel like i'm not good enough. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:80321 2003-09-29T07:37:26Z 2003-09-29T07:37:26Z just a post so i remember. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:79883 2003-09-28T19:30:22Z 2003-09-28T19:30:22Z i really need to stop thinking because i really don't do myself any good sometimes...<br />I think i might need to get away here again soon.<br />like from everything.<br />just leave for awhile, maybe that will create some clarity?<br /><br />oh well, we'll see. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:79817 2003-09-28T07:39:01Z 2003-09-28T07:39:01Z nothing really to post well nothing i wanna type about.<br />but i feel like i should post none the same..<br />i have tomorrow off .. yah! i am gonna clean my car and a lil bit more of my room<br /><br />productive days off make me feel good. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:79537 2003-09-27T08:18:09Z 2003-09-27T08:18:09Z i must sleep but first i must post.<br /><br />thank you for not letting it be how it possibly could have been.<br /><br />i enjoyed myself as per usual. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:79320 2003-09-26T08:23:19Z 2003-09-26T08:23:19Z nine inch nails - even deeper i really haven't a clue what to say or do.<br /><br />i have a few options i suppose<br /><br />a) write it off as over and move on.<br />b) pretend as if each note didn't exist and were never given.<br />c) talk about it and hopefully we're close enough to move on with a little better understanding<br /><br />it's funny how words when arranged in such a way to make a person not feel rejected don't drive home the point of rejection. but really that is what has happened which i'm more than fine with because well i didn't expect anything when i wrote it down and left it for you. I just wanted it to be out there so i could move on. but more than anything i'm sorry because i knew all along what was/could be happening and how you felt about it. You let them be well known. So i really feel as if i've let you down. <br /><br />i'm not sure if you'll call me or i'll call you for awhile.<br />this uncertainty is horrible for me.<br /><br />in a dream I'm a different me<br />with a perfect you<br />we fit perfectly<br />and for once in my life I feel complete<br />and I still want to ruin it urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:79075 2003-09-25T05:41:46Z 2003-09-25T05:41:46Z i needed to talk but i couldn't.<br />i'm really sick of myself at the moment<br />as i sit here i just start thinking about how worthless i am <br />i think about the few times when i was truely happy<br />i think that i really just wish i could not do anything but lock myself in my room and hide<br />i think about how i hope my mom is truely <br />i think about your smile<br />i think about the way you move.. just the way in which you hold and present yourself it makes me smile <br />i think about how much i don't care about work in the grand scheme of things<br />i think about turning off the last 4 songs of the downward spiral because .. yeah<br />erase me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:78634 2003-09-25T05:29:59Z 2003-09-25T05:29:59Z a warm place I really am fuct up.<br />my eyes hurt so bad.<br />it's like they want to cry but they can't. <br />i'm not sure if you know the feeling but it certainly isn't a good one.<br /><br />i need to put an end to this now. and i was gonna. but it didn't work out that way.<br />i'm going to stop caring .. i'm just gonna tell you and that will be that.<br />i'm sick.<br />right now i loathe myself.<br /><br />i think by months end it will be over and i'll be as sad as i ever was. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:78380 2003-09-24T06:11:07Z 2003-09-24T06:11:07Z i wish i may i wish i might just get my wish tonight urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:78271 2003-09-24T06:00:24Z 2003-09-24T06:02:29Z i'm an all or nothing type of guy and recently i'm really leaning towards nothing again.<br />It isn't because i'm not happy with the way things are ... well that could be the case but really if i could i would be happy with the way things are, i just have to know for sure. It's all because i cannot communicate with people and i promised myself i would really try to work on this but to no avail. <br /><br />i'm not feeling very well.<br /><br />i don't have any real friends.<br /><br />Why do young girls hold my interest? I've come to the conclusion it's because that girls my age aren't <b>ever</b> interested. <br />i really wish i could just fuck random girls. I'm so disillusioned with this whole love idea that it has spilled over into other parts of my life and is starting to pull me down. and i really don't know why i type on here it really ends up being the same ole shit packaged differently. all i end up doin' is reminding myself how fuct up i am. Or maybe i'll make my entries private and that way i can just not log on and still read the journals i want and not be forced to look at my own.<br /><br />this has gone on far too long i really feel as if i should stop typing but it is just flowing out of my fingertips so i suppose i shall continue until the bitching stops. <br /><br />I feel as if everyone puts their faith into me and i have all this burden holding me down. Mostly with work shit, I want to be a delivery driver again.. who works 35 hours a week who can't sleep at night, who sleeps his days away... who talks all night to a girl who holds his attention like none other has. I want to hear a voice that soothes me and lets me know things will be alright once again.<br /><br />and i really love you and i don't think that it matters really, but to me it's a lot and well you don't see it. Which is fine but i'm not sure if it's a choice to not see it because it is not wanted or is it just being oblivious? <br /><br />the words are coming out all weird. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:77858 2003-09-23T19:45:45Z 2003-09-23T19:45:45Z where do we go from here?<br />The words are coming out all wierd<br />Where are you now when I need you?<br /><br />I wish I could be happy I wish<br />I wish, I wish that something would happen urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:77638 2003-09-23T08:34:23Z 2003-09-23T08:35:39Z originally this was gonna be a lame entry about how pathetic and callow i am but instead it's changed into a an entry about how much i really really hope that my cousin becomes homeless. I arrive home at well 1:30 here and find a car parked in the driveway in such a way that i cannot pull my TINY car into it. So i honk the horn, out scurries 2 lil boys and they drive off. I come inside and ask her how late she's allowed to have people over on a school night. In response she starts goin' off about how i should mind my own business and how i have no power over her and all this shit about being alone .. blah blah blah .. i mean she was really fucking pissing me off. 16.5 hours of work and to come home and listen to this punk lil whiny ass bitch complain about me asking how late she's allowed to have people over? wtf. I am so gonna try to make her life a living hell until she turns 18. I am so glad i don't have siblings. <br /><br /><small>on a different note</small><br /><br />i'm about to ruin everything good, someone please stop me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:screamingslave:77434 2003-09-21T17:59:38Z 2003-09-21T17:59:38Z i often surprise and disappoint myself<br />i wish i could just do what needs to be done<br />i had a chance and couldn't.